A single mom to three boys working hard to live my truest life. I hope as I share the beauty, the gratitude, the grief, the hard…you find inspiration + hope to show up to your life as honestly as possible.
All in Adoption
The questions started the first outting my (former) husband & I took with our newborn. We were in his birth city & needed to go to the store.
“Ohhh, where did his dark wavy hair come from?” The cashier asked, straining her neck to see my brand new infant tucked up in my @mobywrap. She looked back & forth between L & I.
Parenting kids not born to us is a nice spotlight to see how imperfect we are 😅 I mean, parenting in general highlights our impatience, selfishness, low tolerance, it reveals trauma that may have been buried for years.
When parenting children not born to us (IMO parenting any kid ever), understanding TBRI is crucial.
In 2014 I figured a closed adoption was all I’d be willing to be a part of. It would be too confusing for a child to have BOTH families in their life. What if they tried to kidnap MY kid back?? I was sure I knew all about it.
Then I started reading & educating myself. LOL joke was on me because really quickly I realized my (falsely placed) confidence in what I “knew” was...so off.
I’ve been telling this to him since the first week I held him. It started as practice convos for many things, but especially for sharing with him the start of his life.
The point is we can start as early as the day we meet them, telling them their story. Secrecy breeds shame & our kids deserve their story.
I can tend to overwhelm my kids with heavier emotions & realities. It’s something I have to pay really close attention to, intentionally mother in the tension of honesty + age-appropriate conversations.
I believe part of the responsibility as foster & adoptive parents is helping change the narrative; for our kids. Lonnggg ago we created a narrative of saving & rescuing children from the Big Bad Wolf Parents, scooping them up meeting our own want & desire to become parents.
✨ save this as affirmations for your child ✨ I asked you what you want your child who was adopted to know, to their core. The resounding answer from dozens of you was: you are worthy, you are enough, you are loved, you can feel however you feel about your adoption.
When I had 5 kids, 4 of them biracial/Black, I was constantly given opportunities to practice responding to comments & questions.
My throat physically closes in on itself when asked or trying to be truly vulnerable & state my deepest needs. I find myself rubbing my neck, trying to squeeze the air through, sure the unsafe space is going to choke me. My whole body feels heavy and empty all at once, I want to dissolve into thin air and escape, hoping my inability to speak will make me invisible. I’d categorize this as the freeze response.
Oftentimes relationships change after we adopt & begin fostering... it’s unexpected. And it’s largely due to comments & questions from friends/family and not knowing how to educate them.
I had over 70 responses from adoptive + foster mamas sharing what they wish non-foster/adoptive parents knew.
Hey mama, if your children do not see you handling your own emotional burdens, they will not trust you can handle theirs.
Our kids have emotional burdens, no matter how wonderfully we (think we & want to) show up for them. Our kids are wise & intuitive.
All the moms I know would do anything necessary for their kids. If they needed to take a bullet, they would. If they need to skip meals in order to make sure their kids bellies get full, they do. We want to give our kids everything they need to brave living.
So when an entire generation of adoptees are shouting “Listen to me, here is my voice & experiences & pain,” I think “Wow, I want to listen & learn & do better. I want to understand.”
The first time I held you was the beginning of my healing. But first you had to break me. The truth is, you keep breaking me.
It’s in the breaking I find healing, though. I’m convinced it’s the most painful breakages that provide space for the deepest grace.
Adoption breaks a family before it ever makes one.
Understanding trauma explosions + outbursts is necessary if we want to be good foster + adoptive moms!
I have had the privilege of really experiencing some intensity in this arena for some years. My evenings after the boys go down for bed are 99.9% of the time spent reading books + rewatching videos from Karyn Purvis on YouTube.
Adoptive + Foster Mamas! Let’s talk about COCOONING. Baby wearing. Attachment.
Every journey is different, but being aware of these realities is important.
Who cocooned? Who baby wore? Who plans to?
They smash any belief that brothers must share blood. Their brotherhood bond defies societal standards, on the daily.
They re-entered their part time daycare/preschool and their teacher asked me if they ever fight at home 😂😂 I stared at her shocked, perplexed, but then I smiled because isnt that what we want?! For our kids not to behave like terrorists in the outside world? 😂 if you watched our home you’d see them fighting and kicking and spitting and yelling and crying A LOT.
When we hold the privilege of parenting kids not from our wombs, there is trauma involved. If you haven’t spent years learning about & experiencing different types of trauma responses & the various ways it manifests, you may think some trauma is more visible/noticeable than others.
It’s important as adoptive + foster moms that we understand the various ways trauma changes our children’s brain pathways & bodily systems. Whats also important is knowing we get to support them during times of fight, flight, or freeze...which is also when their lid flips.
We only know what we know, but once we know better we MUST do better. This was one of the first things I learned as a potential/prospective adoptive parent.
And honestly? There’s no shortage of resources & spaces to learn and know more. If you’re in the adoption or foster parent space, it is a responsibility & duty to keep listening and learning.
I sincerely believe books are the #1 tool we have access to as parents to help form + shape the way our children view the world.
My boys have had peers question the validity of their brotherhood / family, because we don’t all look the same or come from the same gene pool or live together as one big family.
Empathy + compassion come through understanding. We have to start helping our kids know there isn’t shame in living a different story than the next kid.
We change the world by changing how we raise kids.
I wasn’t prepared for the grief or guilt as an adoptive parent.
I mean, I KNEW adoption was born out of loss, tragedy, grief. I didn’t realize the grief would rock my world and be carried with me for the rest of my life, too.
But of course it does.
Inherently, I naturally shouldered my child’s inexplicable loss. It isn’t our loss, but becomes ours as we *hopefully* help him bear this burden. This sounds saviorism; it isn’t: it’s duty, it’s responsibility.
