Adoptive Parent Guilt + Grief

I wasn’t prepared for the grief or guilt as an adoptive parent.

I mean, I KNEW adoption was born out of loss, tragedy, grief. I didn’t realize the grief would rock my world and be carried with me for the rest of my life, too.

But of course it does.

Inherently, I naturally shouldered my child’s inexplicable loss. It isn’t our loss, but becomes ours as we *hopefully* help him bear this burden. This sounds saviorism; it isn’t: it’s duty, it’s responsibility.

Im not sure there’s a way to totally understand or prepare for the weight of it all. But hopefully we can keep talking about it so people headed in the direction of adopting (and fostering too) can know you don’t walk into this feeling like a super hero. Or, at least, you definitely shouldn’t.

For me, grief & sorrow for my sons layers of loss wedged itself permanently in my heart. I believe it is this grief that keeps me wanting to love him & his roots well, keeps me wanting to make change in the world, keeps me open to the fact I’ll get it wrong but I’ll apologize & keep trying.

For me, guilt has shown up to remind me that IM the lucky mom he calls mom, IM the one who kisses his cheeks every night, IM the one he runs to when he’s hurt or needs snuggles or tears to be wiped. Guilt about two biological sons, fear it will hurt him even when *I* know I love him as fiercely as if I birthed him. Guilt I left the hospital 5 years ago with my arms + heart full as his other mom left with engorged breasts, a sore body, exhausted from birth, a shattered heart, and empty arms.

Grief knowing already at 5 he has struggles he should never “have” to struggle with.

Wallowing in guilt doesn’t do much but make it about us, though. So we’ve got to keep showing up to work through these things.

My guilt has shifted into grief, which I expect will be carried with me to my grave.

But the question is: what am I doing with that grief? Repressing & ignoring it? Letting it make me insecure & fearful & jealous? Creating a false narrative? Withdrawing? Hardening? Allowing it to soften me, mold me, expand me?

Would love to hear your experience / thoughts with adoptive parent guilt + grief.