"Was He A Drug Baby?" And Other Questions I've Been Asked

The questions started the first outting my (former) husband & I took with our newborn. We were in his birth city & needed to go to the store.

“Ohhh, where did his dark wavy hair come from?” The cashier asked, straining her neck to see my brand new infant tucked up in my @mobywrap. She looked back & forth between L & I.

“His birth dad,” I said smiling, honored to be his mom.

“Oh so hes not yours?” Looks at my husband.

“We’re adopting him,” I said proudly, new motherhood glow upon me.

“Oh so he’s a drug baby?”

I felt my insides freeze. My stomach dropped. I stared at her, confused as to who refers to anyone this way, let alone feels it’s okay to ask. This was her first assumption?

——————

Fast forward 2 years. We have 5 kids, 4 of which not born to us, & the questions are constant. The questions are actually micro aggressions, against our children.

Micro-aggression: a statement, action, or incident regarded as an instance of indirect, subtle, or unintentional discrimination against members of a marginalized group.

I personally take these convos case by case. Yes, I educate people, but not on our specific story or the details of my children’s lives. Instead I educate them by letting them know these questions are inappropriate & harmful.

I offer questions back, demanding they stop & realize what they’ve asked is not okay. When they still feel (falsely) entitled to the info, I inform them. I also might just answer simply & plainly. Often they’re looking for explanations & more info, but that isn’t theirs. This has been a journey of learning & practice.

My kids comfort & privacy is my priority.

If I answer every question, I’m teaching them they don’t deserve boundaries or privacy. A loss I have personally struggled with & don’t want them plagued with.

My kids comfort is far more important than an adults false entitled feelings. I will offend an adult before I breach my child’s deserved privacy.

It is not my kids responsibility to bear the brunt of an adults education of what’s appropriate and what’s not.

What are some questions you’ve been asked as a foster or adoptive mom?

-Natalie Kristeen