My Freeze Response
My throat physically closes in on itself when asked or trying to be truly vulnerable & state my deepest needs. I find myself rubbing my neck, trying to squeeze the air through, sure the unsafe space is going to choke me. My whole body feels heavy and empty all at once, I want to dissolve into thin air and escape, hoping my inability to speak will make me invisible. I’d categorize this as the freeze response.
This happened a lot when trying to force space for myself in two different significant partnerships. Words, jokes, comments said over time revealing the lack of his own healing, his wounds seeping out all over me in my attempt to make space for my own wounds. Make space for my needs.
In an adult relationship there should be mutual felt safety, mutual healing, both rising + growing + transforming. When there isn’t, both suffer.
If this is how I felt in an adult-to-adult partnership, when my partner was unable to handle all my dysfunction & trauma & mess...imagine how painful and terrifying it is for our kids.
Imagine our kids, especially the ones not born to us or who don’t share a racial identity, needing felt safety & space to express their pain, questions, concerns, hurt, anger. But we can’t even handle our own, so why would they trust us with theirs?
I knew my partner would personalize & internalize my wounds, whether they were from him or not. And *even if they were* from him, a healthy relationship creates space for each of us to hear how we’ve hurt the other. And repair by hearing, apologizing, doing better.
I want this so bad for our kids. As a collective.
I want our hearts to work thru healing, so we can provide felt safety for our kids. So they can come to us hurting, even when WE are the perpetrators.
You here for the work, mama? I’ll walk alongside you.
