When Your Son Says "I'm not your brother!"

“I’m not your brother,” the words quietly (and what felt randomly) fell out of Sage’s mouth like a freight train crushing my heart. If that’s how his words felt to me, I can only imagine what it may feel like to carry this within him.

“Yes you are Sage! Don’t say that, that’s not true words.” Ira quickly retorted.

I knew this would come up eventually, if not verbally, withdrawn + internally. Especially after a pregnancy where he truly saw what it meant to grow a baby in my body.

We’ve always talked about how Sage came from a different moms tummy, Ira came from mine, but they came to us only 5 months apart so the experience + memory of it isnt there.

In this particular instance I asked them what they felt made someone a brother or not. By the end, they both concluded they’re absolutely brothers.

Our children not born into our families may struggle with the identity of truly being a part of our families, no matter how intentional & awake we are to this. I think it’s important to acknowledge this.

If you also have biological children, this is likely amplified.

Dismissing our kids’s insecurities will not make them disappear, but helping unpack what might be beneath them may help them process.

Teaching them affirmations as a response when these insecurities or fears pop up is a tool we can teach them.

It’s an ongoing tension of wanting to normalize adoption as part of our lives while not making it the entire/main part of our identity.

At times I wonder if I initiate convos too often, other times it is brought up “randomly” and clearly has been on his mind.

If you swipe thru you’ll find different affirmations I have the boys repeat daily.

We cannot remove our children’s aches & pains no matter how hard we try.

We CAN support + serve them by empowering them with being okay & not ashamed to feel certain ways (sadness, anger, confusion, jealousy, gratitude too if that’s there) about their adoption, and also teaching them affirmations to ground themself in the Truth of their value, worth, and spot in the world.

What if instead of taking our kid’s pain personally, we made space for them to acknowledge & work through their pain, help shoulder the hard pieces?