Adoption is a big and complex piece of our big and complex world. It is not cut and dry, it is not black and white, and truth be told: it is a mess. 

I truly believe if we chip away at the stigmas and tear down the myths, maybe more people who could be adopting and fostering will step into it. I don't believe everyone should adopt or foster, but I do believe we all play a role in it somehow.

All that said, here are the most frequently asked questions and the answers I will give, based on our journey thus far:

We all want to love our friends and family well, right!? I hope so! I know I do. I hope this list is helpful to you and gives you some ideas of how to support your friends who have or are adopting transracially.

Disclaimer: this post is written by a white mama and is geared towards white friends who have other white friends, raising children of color. All races and ethnicities adopt outside of their race, and I'm sure these apply to them as well.

Here are three ways you can be as awesome as my sister and support your friends/family who have or are adopting transracially:

My website and blog is not solely an adoption blog, but it is one of the areas of life I write about a lot.

I took a ton of questions during October and will be answering those as well as sharing aspects of our adoption journey that have shaped us, made us better people, and taught us life lessons.

"Are they yours? ... Both of them? ... Oh, so how old are they? ... They aren't twins, are they?"

"Oh, you must be the nanny."

"Bless your heart, I could never adopt or love a child that wasn't mine."

"I have always wanted a black baby."

"Interesting that one has curly hair..."

"Are they cousins?"

"You must be babysitting one of them."

Transracial adoption can be an incredible way to build families. When adoptees work through the pain and difficulty, when we understand our story as adoptees and as transracial adoptive families, we have the impact of not just making small changes, but making world wide, impactful changes.

Generational changes. How we care for our children. How we see our children. How we build bridges between white communities and communities of color. It all matters.

"Oh so it worked for you! You got adopted and then found out you were pregnant. I'm so happy for you." Her words were confident as she loaded the belt with groceries, one by one, smiling at me. Beaming.

I'm becoming more and more aware there may never be a time when this myth falls away, when this stigma ceases to exist. But a mama can dream, right? A mama can dream that one day her son won't feel like he was some means to his brother?

If you haven't read part one, please do so here: Black Culture + Hair Care are Absolutely Necessary. 

This is part two to a three part series with Helen. This series is meant for white parents raising black kids. 

Skin and hair care has become increasingly important to our family. Not only because our son's skin and hair need extra care, but because it is and will be a major part of his identity as a [biracial] black man. 

"The way a child’s hair looks is correlated with the overall care that child receives from her mom or parents.

A big part of self confidence among our black children comes from their hair."

As a white mom raising a kid of color, good hair care is a new world for me.

I have thin, greasy, flat straight hair. If I'm lucky, it might wave at you for twenty seconds. 

Our son's hair has changed and transformed over time. With each new phase of his hair, we have reached out and asked other mamas what they recommend we do to properly care for him. I never want to think I know it all; especially when it comes to living the black experience: I know nothing. 

It’s easy for me to run to my white mom friends who have been caring for their kids of colors a few more years than me. But I am doing my best to slow down, humble myself, and reach out to my mom-friends of color.

Many [adoptive] families and couples decide early on they want a closed adoption. 

If you fall into this category, you must answer this question: WHY?

It is almost always stemmed out of a level of fear and/or jealousy.

Every adoption and situation is different. There is no manual. We are all human.

While I was upchucking the little food I had consumed before our flight, I thought about how she was his mom - no other word preceded “mom” yet. She was his mom, and yet I knew he would soon be our son.

I wish someone had sat us down and given us ADOPTION 101: POSITIVE ADOPTION LANGUAGE before we signed the papers and announced to the world that we were adopting.

In my extreme excitement, I didn't even realize I was using language that was detracting from the value and validity of adoption and adoptive families.