I Haven't Been to Church — Natalie Kristeen

Nov 1

Nov 1 I Haven't Been to Church

It’s Sunday & I haven’t been to church since pre-pandemic, March 2020.

When the pandemic began I was in my 2nd trimester of a mostly-hidden pregnancy.

I was grateful for excuses to not go anywhere while my belly grew & I wasn’t ready to share about this baby.

I’ve been a part of about a dozen church communities.

All of them have had people who will forever be dear to my heart. Who have stepped in during so many seasons of loss, grief, transitions.

It isn’t that I’ve had an overall horrible experience with church. I’d say the opposite.

It’s that, even through all the well-intended lessons & loving instructions… even tho I lived that life so well, followed all the Rules Of A Good Christian Life…even tho I knew w/o a doubt there was never a promise of no suffering… much of the suffering was actually set up by …The Church.

It was thru checking off the boxes & following all of your rules —even tho we claimed we weren’t Pharisees, we clearly were— I actually ended up totally betraying the spirit God put inside me.

I was taught to not trust myself: the self God calls a masterpiece, the self God placed Himself in, the self made in His image.

And because I was taught to betray & not trust myself —but instead trust You & all your male authority— well, it’s Sunday morning & I have anxiety about going to church.

I’m processing the way the systems & rules & instructions set me up for totally dysfunctional (& harmful) intimacy in married life.

Im processing how having a baby as a single mom brings so much stigma & bias & assumptions.

I’m processing how easy it is to blame me —the woman— for divorce.

Im processing how my body is so much more than who I do or do not “give” it to, which boundaries I’ve crossed or not crossed, & with how many males or *if any* females.

I’m processing a lot of the things I myself preached & I’m doing the big fat D word:

deconstructing.

I see harmful patriarchy all over, everywhere, it’s hard to unsee now.

& it’s Sunday morning & I spent it at the @adidas store with my 3 sons, prepping for Sunday sports.

I don’t have answers.

All I have is my honesty & I’m working to honor + heal the Me God cherishes.

Be patient with me.