A single mom to three boys working hard to live my truest life. I hope as I share the beauty, the gratitude, the grief, the hard…you find inspiration + hope to show up to your life as honestly as possible.
All in Finding Him
I believe it is entirely okay + possible to exist in both the reality of grief and sorrow and brokenness, while also being swallowed up whole with hope and grace and joy. I have experienced both sadness and hope wrapped into the same moment, which ushers a tired heart into a surpassing peace. Not a jumping up and down giddy joy or hope, but a calm and steady hope that anchors us.
From afar, it may appear as though we have forgotten about our time with you, forgotten you and moved on. But dear ones, we talk about you and reminisce so often. We remembered all summer long how we weren't with you for camps and camping trips, water games and summer nights. Fall launch didn't happen and neither did baking cookies for you the night before the first day of school.
Grief, trauma, tragedy...beating your soul into the filth, threatening your hope and stealing your joy. The temptation may be to pretend all is right, that "He is good" so "I am good" when really, all your heart desires is to melt and break and allow the cracks to be seen. Not only seen, but seen as something to be redeemed through grace. The cracks of trauma and betrayal, grief and the unfaithful, loss and disdainful relationships...the cracks are weak, tempting to bleed.
My body miscarried and rejected our first baby.
We wanted that baby. We hoped for that baby. We prayed for that baby. We celebrated that baby. We cried tears of joy and danced celebration for that baby. That baby, Blake, left my womb too soon and we had to say goodbye before we really said hello. That baby, so precious, so loved, so wanted...I believe will one day introduce his family to Jesus.
Why then do I not want to be associated with this group of people? Why do I resist my world and theirs becoming more visibly linked? Fear. I fear mental illness. I fear what it will do to me. I fear what else it will do to my mom. I fear what it may someday do to my children.
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