A single mom to three boys working hard to live my truest life. I hope as I share the beauty, the gratitude, the grief, the hard…you find inspiration + hope to show up to your life as honestly as possible.
All tagged babies
I need a basin to catch all my tears. But I guess my protruding belly will do.
I've stated on my space before that the emotions surrounding the upcoming delivery of our second born son are many, various, complex, BIG. Today marks 39 weeks of pregnancy, life in the womb for that little brother man and I can't believe it. How is Sage-man over 4 months?
When she asked us if we were still pursuing fertility treatments and we said "No, but if we were to become pregnant again, we will not be stopping our adoption process," her response was one that has repeated itself in my mind a few times since it left her mouth. Mainly because in that moment, I had a feeling that what she said not to do, we would do...I had a feeling and secretly hoped it would become our crazy journey:
I just finished bouncing up and down on our yoga ball to put Sage to sleep while staring out the window to watch Husband put together our double-stroller-jogger. My mind is always running a million and one miles an hour but also somehow 1 mile per hour at the exact same time. It is set to high-speed processing emotions and thoughts and life all the while, too often, extremely slow to responding to people and tasks right in front of me. Example: the large pile of laundry covering up what was our couch.
There are so many emotions all of the time. I often feel like a walking-breathing-emotion.
There are up to 10 weeks left before I meet my second born son face to face, flesh on flesh. Could be sooner, but Im planning on being past my due date so that if it passes by like your average day, I am not drowning in depression (which may still happen). Today marks 32 weeks with this undeserved miracle boy. Our official date we are due to deliver is May 25, but I usually follow that with, "But we're planning for June 10th." The term "due date" used to bring me emotions of fear and grief.
My dear sweet son:
There are no words that can adequately articulate the Mama-heart you have brought out in me. And what a blessing that is, you are, to me. To your dad. To this family. You have knit us closer as a family, bringing our souls more intimacy as a unit; God put it in our hearts to be a family for children, but it seems as though He has used you much more in our lives than us in yours. We are often in awe of the unending, unconditional, ceaseless love that has been poured into us to cover you - this is something your dad and I talk about regularly.
Then a time of waiting and infertility and uncertainties with my body...not conceiving a life after 6 months of trying, and then 8 months, and then two years.. the mystery of not knowing was painful, grief-stricken at times. My feet failed often in the way of walking without wavering on the waters, but I pressed on and in, continuously wanting to hand over the desires of my heart. Perpetually striving to believe that what He has is better than what I wanted presently. His will, not mine. The waters were more unsteady than the painful self-denial of choosing to forgive family/friends/close ones who burned deeper than I was ready for; learning to submit the desire to conceive and carry a baby is and was agonizing to my soul. It felt like the ripping of my literal heart.
I have been asked countless times how my transition into being a mama has been. "How are you doing with the big transition?" "Are you doing okay?" "Are you struggling at all?" "Are you worried about everything, its totally okay if you are, just checking in on you!" Such beautiful friends and loving questions and simply just, ah. I love my people.
You have made me Mama three times over. You were not the first born in my heart, nor were you in my womb, but you certainly were the first born to be placed into my arms. And boy do I love you. You were conceived in our hearts officially 9 months ago when we signed a contract with Susan VanSyckle through Christian Adoption Consultants to pursue you. The timing is more than I could have planned.
While Loren and I were in the thick of desiring our family to grow and it just not happening, we were praying about pursuing adoption sooner rather than later but were also confident we would still conceive and successfully carry a baby eventually, we had people who love us share stories about adoption and pregnancy following.
The stories are always frame-worked as though the adoption had something to do with the wife suddenly being able to become pregnant. It almost always sounded like this, "I have these friends who couldn't get pregnant so they adopted, and then they got pregnant. Have you guys thought about trying to adopt?"
![We #BroughtHomeBabyBrenner [adoption]](https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5850be0d03596ef94b5f7921/1482555239246-UFM73E9FGF7T3ECF63K3/IMG_9585-2.jpg)
![My Pregnancy After Loss: discovering this gift [the journey's not over]](https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5850be0d03596ef94b5f7921/1481780502233-1KKJKL79JYZWJWYIRIDZ/image-asset.jpeg)
