Pole Dancing + healing

Pole dancing is helping me heal. I know, I know, I sound like a heretic.

I’m soooo bad at it & that’s not me being “humble” or “modest,” that’s me stating a fact. I’m going to keep showing up anyways.

I’ve done one Intro class + a Sensual Movement class where I was supposed to bring heels + knee pads. Of course I was the only one there who was a newbie, no dancing or pole background, & didn’t have the heels or the knee pads. I was the one in the room who “didn’t belong” because I naturally live that Enneagram 4 life.

But this isn’t a post about pole dancing or being an enneagram four.

Since my divorce, I’ve unraveled a drive deep inside me to heal pieces of myself I didn’t believe needed healed. These pieces in me were broken in the name of God, they were torn apart to keep me “pure.”

As a mom, I don’t want my kids to struggle with their bodies & shame the way I do. I don’t want to set them up to fall into into the “purity” trap that has been twisted.

I want my kids to know their body is sacred.

It is also beautiful & designed to be celebrated + pleased.

I hope to teach my kids bodies & movement /dancing don’t have to only be sexual. They are more than that AND they are that.

My sons will know it is THEIR responsibility to honor + respect other bodies.

I don’t want my kids to be triggered into shame just for wanting to move their bodies & bend & dance. Dance can be beautiful art & it releases endorphins + is a form of exercise.

I don’t want my kids to struggle with the deep levels of shame I do, so I’m working through mine. I’m going into places uncomfortable for me & where I’m unequipped — doing the damn thing. I want to & it feels brave.

As I move my body to the music — clunkily + off beat, messing up the moves as I go — I speak internally to myself. I release the idea that this body isn’t mine, that this body is shameful, that this body can’t enjoy pleasure.

I release & I heal & I awkwardly move thru the class. It is freeing, even if it’s really imperfect.

Because freedom is what’s happening every time I step into spaces of myself with grace & undo the twisted up shame.