Midnight thoughts with a Sleepless Me [adoption]

pancakes at midnight midnight thoughts

Sometimes you just need to get out of bed and make pancakes at midnight and have a small bowl of blueberries as a side.

My brain is on over drive this year. Or has it always been? Maybe we are all simply made that way: on overdrive. Or possibly we were not at all made in that way, but this culture has created us to be driven over board. Our brains foggy because we have so many things to think about, so many ways to live right, so many chores and tasks and jobs, so many people to please, so many boundaries to set and undo..

So I got out of bed, made some pancakes topped with peanut butter with a side of berries so round and blue and decided to put fingertips to keyboard.

I can't stop thinking about this One Girl, "M". She lives in a state other than our own and she is carrying precious cargo within her very own body. I first heard of her mid-July, from another friend whom I cherish more every time I chat with her. When we first heard of her situation, we prayed against abortion...we prayed life and life and life abundant and more life. We had already been presented to two birth moms without any luck of being chosen, but trusting that God knows what He is doing and where He is placing His children.

It was before July 22 that "M" knew our Friends had Oregonian Friends looking to adopt a baby. We were excited and hopeful, but knew it was an unlikely match. She is young and young moms have a higher rate of failed adoptions; nothing like a good ounce of investing your heart knowing it could be broken all over again with yet another loss.

An entire month later we receive a small update about our precious girl "M" who we have added to our prayer list of birth moms. Our Friends asked us what adoption might look like, so we shared specifics of what our hope for an open adoption could be like. Attending doctor's visits, taking Birth Mom & family to lunch, maybe buy some maternity clothes, pay for counseling; after the baby is born: texts, photos, FB page set up just for the two families, visits as able, etc. It wouldn't have to be a forever goodbye, but rather a continual hello. I looked up a local attorney for "M" that would work well with our attorney; don't believe it was ever passed along because she wasn't ready yet, but we were wanting to do anything to help.

Our Friends accepted our inquiry of, "If I send you the link, will you send 'M' our online family profile book to at least look at?" They said yes. She did. This was around August 22. A couple days later, "M" posted a cute little ultra sound photo to her Facebook page [Facebook stalking, I am creeeeeepy], letting the world know that she is 14 weeks pregnant and she cannot wait. At this point, my heart slumped only slightly, seeing the even more unlikeliness of this match. But also trusting that Jesus knows what He is doing with His precious babies. I just hope we all listen to His heart.

Again, I submitted my heart to prayer, I lifted my hands, and I knew God was bigger. I know that He has hand picked children for us.

Just this week I was notified that "M" is still completely undecided. She isn't sure that she can parent her baby but she doesn't want to say goodbye forever. She loves this little human growing inside of her. I do too. We asked if we could send a letter and a hard copy of our family profile. She said yes. We let her know in our letter that we are more than available for an in-person interview (we would be up there within a day!), a skype or phone or Facebook interview. Whatever would make her feel comfortable to even think about trusting us to adopt, parent, raise, and treasure her precious baby. The hard copy of the book arrives Monday - so the letter and book won't be sent out until next week. I cannot help but wonder, is this our baby? Is this our birth family? Is our baby's gender going to be revealed this week? Will we have this really cool story about our Friends knowing her and connecting us to forever love one another and the same baby?

I was certain we would be a family of 3 in 2015. First, when we began pursuing Christian Adoption Consultants in January/February of this year; we read that their average hire-to-placement time is 9-18 months. We thought and we prayed and we fearfully hoped, "That could be this year!" We told a few really important people in our lives that we were doing this, and had plans to tell the rest, we were going to adopt this year, we are pursuing family growth. And then in February/March when I was pregnant, it was a big DUH that this year would most definitely be the year we became a family of 3. 2015 the Brenners grow from 2 to 3. It was already in the ink press, ready to be typed out and sent out for the world, headline news of my life. I really felt like Jesus was letting me know, this is the year. And then suddenly it wasn't.

At least to my knowledge. It is still possible, but highly unlikely.

I have no idea what our life will look like by the end of 2015. No. IDEA.

But what I am learning is that adoption is out of my control. Whoever said that pursuing adoption was taking our life into our own control has never walked the road of adoption. They have no idea what they are saying. We are not in control. But that is a good place to be in: forced to trust Him no matter what, with all of the intricate little details. It is in the complete trust and submission that our hearts are able to rest. Truly rest, calm and surrendered, bowed before His throne, knowing with all that we are that He is good. He has good plans for us, even if they are through painful trials and difficult circumstances and seemingly-impossible scenarios and all of the million and one scenarios. He is so good.

When life and circumstances are undependable, He proves dependable. When life reveals itself unsteady and not so sure, He proves steady and sure and trustworthy. When life falls between my fingertips, all of my plans and sure promises and hopes, He is all I have left to cling to.

I am going to finish this glass of OJ and this pancake bite and attempt to sleep, trusting that He is holding all of the pieces together.

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