Dear Sweet little Mancub:
Our journey together with you as our firstborn and only child will never escape my heart; my love for you will only grow deeper, which only baffles me. You were born 20 weeks ago on a Wednesday morning in another state. I still go through my photos to find the first two images of you that were sent to me; they send me reeling into this state of bliss.
The moment you were placed in my arms, I could not believe what I was being told: I was your mommy. I may not be your First Mommy or your Birth Mommy, but I love you just as if I were.
Sage, you changed us forever. You brought us to this blessed path of father and mother-hood and you broke our hearts wide open to let love flow in. More love than I can ever put into words.
You kept your dad and I up all hours of the days and nights with screaming and crying those first few weeks. You revealed to us what exhaustion is, but also what a gift it is to be this entirely exhausted. You are teaching us all the ways that we need Jesus and for that, I am so grateful.
Me and you have spent so many days together, smiling and giggling and crying. I have told you countless times that you are the most precious little boy, that you are my favorite little human, that you are the most handsome baby I've ever laid eyes on. Soon I won't be saying these things... it is a weird thing for me to think about. You are beyond perfect to us and we cannot imagine how our hearts could possibly break open even wider for just as much love to rush in, for another human being..tiny and perfect...your brother. But we know that's what happens...our hearts will grow and stretch wider as each child engraves him or herself into us and our family.
Today is your little brother's due date. Of course we have been talking about how he won't make his debut on or before this day, but it is still such a very special day.When we snapped the photo above to announce that there were now three of us waiting for you, I was hoping you would join our family out of the womb before Tummy Baby's debut. When we were given this specific due date, I remember knowing in my very soul that your little brother was not to be the only one in our arms around this day. My heart knew our family was not "complete", until we met you. We met you when your little brother was cooking away in my womb at a solid 20 weeks; you were born and in our arms and the year of 2016 became a year I would forever cherish.
The year we officially stepped into parenthood...because of you, our firstborn.
I have stretch marks all over my tummy and false [or pre..doubt it] labor pains while I type and some people believe that is the only way to truly be a mom and dad: to have your womb stretched and opened up wide for a child to grow and exit, wrapped up in your own DNA. But you and I both know that is the furthest thing from the truth. You gave me stretch marks that are forever etched in my journal; my heart labored for you and prayed for you and yearned for you; our bodies physically worked hard to bring you home with fund raisers and traveling and all the things that adoption invited us into. Sage you are just as much our first born son as your little brother will be our second born son.
You will not be our only child or our only son, but you will always be our first. Even if just about 20 weeks apart, you are our first. You were the first we stayed up for all night long, singing to and kissing and staring at and simply amazed and scared all at once that we were yours forever. You cried the first tears I kissed away, you have the toes I counted countless times, you are the first human I cried about growing into bigger clothes. You were the first baby-skin-to-skin for hours on end, the first to wear in my own Moby wrap, the first to teach us what wild and uncontrollable love is. We have been smitten by you from day one of knowing you. You are a treasure.
Our snuggles together as of recent have been as constant as possible. I know soon I will be splitting my snuggles between two sweet mancubs. Some warn me that it will only make our transition harder...and that may be so. But the transition will be hard anyways and I will never regret time spent snuggling you. Babies cannot be spoiled, only deeply loved.
photos by Angie Nelson at Heartstrings Photography
I have the normal fears and emotions [most] mamas do when transitioning from one to two... how can I possibly love another human as much as I love you? Will little brother know he is just as loved as you, even though my hands will be full? Will you, my first, feel less loved because I have my hands full? Will we attach and bond well just as you and I have? Will anything ever get done? Will the second know that we cherish him and adore him and have always wanted him as well? Will I ever sleep again? Will I have the patience with two that I have had with one?
We are so looking forward to watching your brother-bond dive deep in unique and powerful ways. What an honor to love you both so fiercely.
Our lives are about to change, Sage Man. Our whole world is about to enter a new kind of crazy. But it is the most beautiful and beloved crazy. Your dad and I are excited and nervous and antsy and scared and hopeful and all the things all at once. We are not ready for this but we are completely ready for this; it is a beautiful glorious piece of the story that we could not have written.
And Jesus...we need Jesus.
We love you forever and for always.
You will always be our first born son.