Connecting in My Discipline
Before reading this post, it's incredibly important to understand the blog post which preceded it. Find that here: Trauma, the Brain, and Dysregulation: What ALL Foster and Adoptive Parents Should Know. I break down into easy-to-understand ways the way key parts of the brain operates, ways we need to know as foster and adoptive (and I think any) parents.
Quick reminder: when I say "our kids" I am referring to the foster and adoptive community at large. ALSO, you may get the impression here that I am an all star at all of this. It is important to know that I am not. I am learning this and relearning this and practicing this and making mistakes. I am saying a lot of "I am sorry" and "This is how I will do better next time." I may know this and understand the way this all works and how I should respond, but that doesn't mean I am always doing it.
Something I've seen and even bought into until I became an adult with my own thinking is that society likes to stigmatize kids who are in foster care or who were adopted. I didn't even realize I bought into this.
They are seen as less than, unwanted, and often times "behavioral." They are labeled "the bad kid" by peers and even adults. Sometimes we don't even realize we see them this way, often it is implicit and subconscious bias deep within us...that's the trouble with our society. Things are engrained into us without even realizing it, and these things continue to churn the way our world works, spinning abusive and unjust cycles.
And sure, many of our kids's behaviors hurt other people. That is real. But, I'd argue that every single kid hurts another person with poor choices; they're all developing and learning what is okay and what is not.
The thing society needs to know about our {adoptive + foster} kids is this: they are not bad kids. They are not unwanted and they are not less than.
Our kids are from the hardest places you can come from.
Even my son who was adopted at birth has endured trauma. We've had our fair share of adults staring at us while attempting to keep him safe in public spaces, as his lid flips (see previous post if you don't know what I'm talking about) and he is appearing to have an extreme tantrum — this happened at gymnastics this week and it sort of baffles me how much people (adults) just stare at us with their jaw open as we struggle through some hard moments.
In order to shift society's thinking about its most vulnerable children, we've got to start shifting our own thinking. As their caregivers and parents we have to start seeing them through the lens of trauma, understand the way their bodies and brains are operating and responding to stimuli, and graciously guide them through this messy world. We have to set down our ideals of what we thought parenthood would be, set down what we know to be true about "bad behavior," and learn what is beneath it.
Our focus must shift from trying to fix behavior to trying to heal the brain.
In one of the online therapeutic parenting groups I am in, I saw a post about creating a translation dictionary. I snagged it because it is genius!
*Also, PLEASE NOTE: your kids's reasons may be COMPLETELY different than these listed here. The point is to know your kid, learn what is behind their words and behaviors, and do your best to meet them in those incredibly vulnerable and tender spaces. When they are pushing against you with their words and actions, it is when they need the most connection, love, and nurturing.
"Make a list of the mean and hurtful words you hear from your child, followed by the 'hurt-full' meaning of those words. You can usually get clues of the underlying meaning by looked at what happened before the mean and hurtful words. If you get stuck, as for help from other connected parents. Here are some examples:"
Download your example here and create your very own hurt full dictionary:
RECAP: Why are kids from hard places dysregulated more often?
In our previous post, we talked about the rewiring of the brain that happens in our kids's brains: when you are formed in the womb through trauma (go back and read this part if you missed it), when you are raised in a abusive environment or neglected, when you are removed from who you know to be your caregiver (know by heartbeat, smell, voice, or because you'd old enough to process this is your mom/dad)...the wires in your brain rewire themselves to respond to stimuli differently.
"As our amygdala becomes the main portion of the brain functioning, it rewires to work that way. Which means, some things (triggers) end up causing us more stress than is typical, because that is the brains new autopilot. Survive. Stress. Amygdala. Fight/freeze/flight. The person becomes overly sensitive and hyper-alert to things they and their brain perceive as threats, even things as "little" as tones of voices, specific words, and gestures. You know how a child who was abused flinches even at the smallest of body movements? That is a great example of their trigger response preparing to fight, flight, or freeze to survive." —source
Why don't spanking or time outs work with kids from hard places?
TBRI + DISCIPLINE
Because our kids's brains operate largely out of the amygdala — responding to even the smallest of stimuli, resulting in a constant state of survival mode — they do not have access to the prefrontal cortex.
The prefrontal cortex is where processing and logic can be utilized. If this is unavailable, there is absolutely no way for your child to understand why they are being hit/spanked or sent to be alone when their body is simply trying to survive. There is no connecting the consequence to an action or behavior.
"But what about if my child hits another child, not because his lid is flipped, but because he is two and hits people? Can I spank him then, since his lid isn't flipped?"
Great. Glad you asked. The moment you inflict physical pain or isolation, his lid flips and he is sent into survival mode, thus storing a memory inside his amygdala that when mommy or daddy get that look in their eyes or come at him at a certain speed or with a certain body gesture, he is going to get hurt. He/she doesn't process or connect that his action is what brought on the spanking. You can talk about it over and over again later when he is regulated and he seems to understand, but as soon as his lid is flipped and his amygdala is signaled to take over, he will forget the consequence connected to behavior, and all logic goes out the window.
If our 8 year old daughter through foster care is yelling at us or escalating, instead of sending her to her room alone for a time-out, we try to look her in the eyes and tell her we are both going to her room (or another safe, smaller space where others cannot get hurt). If her dysregulation becomes a hint of unsafe for the other children in our home, we act immediately. And yes though her behavior is "bad," we are not as concerned about her behavior as we are about what is going on underneath the surface.
This is where Trust Based Relational Intervention comes in, instead of traditional or standard parenting. We are slowly but surely learning how to build trust through discipline, and not further perpetuate their mind and body's instinct that "parents harm kids when kids are bad."
It's important to separate punishment from discipline. We should not have the mindset that our children need punished for poor behavior, but they do need a balance of nurtured and structured discipline.
If I were to send our 8 year old to her room by her self in this state of being — or even when not dysregulated but simply misbehaving as kids do — it very much sends the message of rejection and shame. It tells her that we only want to be around her when she has it altogether. This is an entire layered mess in and of itself that many of us need to wade through.
In fact, this is the same for all four of my kids: adoptive, biological, and foster. When we place them in isolation (time out) for misbehaving in any way, we are telling them—whether we mean to or not—that they are not worth being around unless they have their stuff together and can behave properly.
Kids, especially kids whose brains have been affected by trauma, have a profound need for connection. Especially when our children are in distress or dysregulated, we need to do our best to be near them and comfort them and offer them a safe space of nurture and structure.
Often, their behavior gets worse when standard or traditional parenting practices are put into place (spanking, time outs, etc), and this reveals that the child has not been taught or learned self-regulation skills.
When we send our kids to go "calm down" on their own, they typically escalate even higher because they don't have the tools to calm down AND they were actually crying out for connection, which they have now been denied. They then absolutely don't have the ability to process what happened to land them there, and instead can only focus on how "cruel and mean their parents are to have punished them, how their parent must hate them," and stored this memory in their brain.
So what do I do as their parent?
As humbling, hard, and patient-demanding as it is, you've got to remain calm and pull them close.
Sometimes I find my own lid flipping and I struggle to self-regulate myself quickly, so I let the child know that I love them and I need to take a quick deep breath by myself before I can come be with them. I do my best to do this quickly, and I've gotten better at it over time through all the practice I get.
I remind myself that they need connection most when they are acting out most. When I can remember this truth, I immediately find strength to not take it personally, and to instead be there for them. Because at the end of the day, their reacting has nothing to do with me and everything to do with how their brain is wired. Their reacting has to do with how much the journey they've been on has hurt them, and how unfair and cruel this world is to them. It isn't about me, so I need to not make it about me. Which is easier said than done at times, and I get that.
So take your deep breaths. Remind yourself what is really happening. And go connect with your hurting child.
My toddlers — A time-in
When my toddler is dysregulated or crying to connect — even though his behavior appears to be that he hates everyone in the world and is miserable — I take him into a small space that isn't overwhelming to his already over-stimulated brain. If he lets me, I hold him close and tight; I either sing to him the same song I've been singing for over two years, I bounce with him, I pat his back in a rhythmic fashion, I slowly say things I love about him, or slowly name things in the room that I see to attempt to ground him. This is the ideal situation of being home when dysregulated, but sometimes his lid flips in downtown Portland or in the middle of Target.
The key here is that I remain calm and soak in his stress as we attempt to come back down from an escalation. Sometimes it takes a few minutes, other times it takes over an hour.
When he is regulated again and able to have a conversation, I talk him through what happened. I let him know that I love him no matter what, and that I will do everything to keep him safe. We practice taking deep breaths.
My non-toddlers — A time-in
When my non-toddlers are dysregulated or acting out — again, this looks like pushing against us and wanting nothing to do with us — we try to find ways to connect. It's not always easy, and we are still learning what helps them. If they end up in a room away from the other kids, one of us adults will remain with them by either sitting in the corner as they rage or holding them in our lap as they sob — both have happened.
When regulated again, we talk through and reprocess what led us to that point. We attempt to help them figure out what the trigger was, and notice at what point they began feeling like "a volcano," and talk through how we can help them next time.
Helping our kids reprocess is an incredible tool I hope they can take with them for the rest of their life.
Non-violent communication is key
Learning how our tones, our body gestures, our words affect others is important. Even the smallest switch in our own attitudes, our own tones of voices, our own body movements can be threatening or healing.
This takes work
Trust Based Relational Intervention (TBRI) is known as connected parenting. It is likely the hardest thing I have ever done: switching the way I see my role as a parent and how I discipline or talk to my kids.
But I find grace in saying I am sorry, in letting them know how I wish I would have spoken to them or handled the problem, or whatever. You might be surprised at how connecting and healing it is to talk with your child about what you did wrong and what you wish you did instead. In those moments, the hope is they can begin to pull out ways they can do differently next time too.
It takes time. It takes practice. It takes commitment.
But man, it's a game changer.
Checklist for preventing dysregulation
We are pretty routine and structure oriented in our home these days, and dysregualtion still happens. But we have learned what wrinkles we can smooth out of the way of daily life to prevent even more major melt downs and bouts of dysregulation.
Snag your own printable PDF here and also get an email going into detail what I am talking about in this check list, as well as different ideas and things we do!
RESOURCES
TBRI: An Overview (a video) — TBRI stands for Trust Based Relational Intervention
The IDEAL Response for Parents (a video) — in regards to discipline or when a child is "acting out"
No Drama Discipline (a book) — about ways to connect in your discipline
The Connected Child (a book) — about connecting with your child who has come from hard places
Parenting With Connection (a FB group)
Therapeutic Parents (a FB group)
