A Different Take on Pregnancy After Loss [A Guest Post by Cassie]

I am so excited to introduce my amazing friend, Cassie, who is over at Sage The Blog. Cassie recently had a miscarriage then found herself pregnant again!  I've been following her journey for well over a year now maybe two? I won't share too much about her because, well, here she is! Be sure to hop on over to her site. Cassie and I are doing a blog swap today! Find me over on her space talking about What I Didn't Know About Pregnancy After Loss. 

 Cassie is a full-time PhD student, part-time blogger at Sage the Blog, and a wild child at heart. She is an atheist turned Christian that strives to share her story of redemption with authenticity and vulnerability. She lives in mid-Missouri with her husband, two cats, and a dog. She is expecting her first child in June, 2017. 

In August, 2016 our first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage. Along with processing the grief that comes along with such a loss, I immediately started to think about future pregnancies. Could I get pregnant again? Could I even carry a baby to full term? Would I ever be able to enjoy a pregnancy again? Was my hope of enjoying a pregnancy now going be replaced by nine months of fear and anxiety? Would I even feel connected to a future baby or would I be longing for the one I lost?

It seemed like most of the articles I read and people I talked to told me similar things about pregnancy after loss: (1) there would be guilt over a new pregnancy, (2) the fear and anxiety you feel may prevent you from fully enjoying your pregnancy after loss, (3) it may take you a long time to feel connected to the life inside of you and it may not even come until after the baby is born, and (4) you might feel really angry. You get the point.

Well, in October of 2016, we found out I was pregnant again. Cue many of the reactions described above. I could feel myself distancing my heart from this baby. I could feel the fear and anxiety filling the quiet spaces of my mind, and I immediately started to run through all of the what-ifs. In the midst of my joy, I was incredibly bitter. Bitter that I was robbed of a "simple" pregnancy (is any pregnancy ever simple, though?). Bitter that I didn't just get to feel naive and full of joy like I had the first time. The bitterness ran deep. I was angry at every expecting parent who didn't have to experience what I did, because it just wasn't fair.

Today I am nearly half way through my second pregnancy and, so far, this pregnancy has been rather easy. I have come to a place where I have decided to no longer let fear, anxiety, and bitterness cripple me. God has used our loss to teach me that I am not in control; that no matter how many negative emotions I feel, this will not change the plan God has for our lives and the life of this baby inside of me. I cannot do anything to change the course of this child's life. I have seen how God has provided for us throughout this pregnancy, when many of these provisions were not even possibilities back in August when I got pregnant the first time. Of course I wanted that baby, but God seemed to know that the timing just wasn't right for our lives, and I try to focus on that truth daily. Even on the hard days and the days that are filled with immense angst, I am reminded that God has gifted us with a beautiful blessing and I am reminded to be content in that, even when it is hard. There are many people out there that would pay to carry a life in them for this long, and I never want to forget that.

So, if you have suffered a similar loss, I am here to tell you that you CAN have a different outlook on pregnancy after loss. You can find hope in your miscarriage. You can still live your days with joy and hope and love for your baby, even if there are days that are full of sadness, anger, stress, and a million questions. It is alright to feel those negative emotions, but I am also giving you permission to feel the positive ones as well. You can enjoy your pregnancy after loss, but it takes constant reliance on Christ.

Thank you for stopping by and spending some moments with us. I am so grateful Cassie was up for a swap; I adore her! Be sure to check out my post on her space which goes hand in hand with this one.