How This Is Us Is Wrecking Me
You guys, the show is wrecking me.
It's wrecking me on so many levels of myself. Every single episode I come undone at the seams and the tears fall and I feel so many different feelings for so many different people and reasons and I hate when the episodes end.
Every single adoptive mama I know feels similarly. Taking it a step further, transracial families have the excitement of nodding their heads yes, vigorously, because the writers of this show actually know what they are doing.
After the first episode, I was addicted. But also, nervous. I was nervous because I wasn't sure how they would go about depicting what it is like to have an adoptive and transracial family. I was anxious about if they would ignore race and pretend colorblindness is a thing; I was nervous they would use poor language when talking about adoption; I was scared they were uneducated regarding adoption.
I no longer fear this. I see clearly that the writers of this show know what's up and they know exactly how to display what is happening.
And then there is the beautiful aspect of virtual triplets. As you know, we have virtual twins, so this sweetens the whole thing.
When Jack said to Rebecca, "We can't roll our tongues" on the last episode, my insides hurt because it was a reminder that our son via adoption will ache to find those kinds of genetic connections. When Rebecca visited William and carefully shared that Randall wanted to meet him...I lost it watching William become unraveled with excitement. And then to see Rebecca leave and how it broke William. I can't even tell you. There is so much here.
I am so thankful we have an open adoption. For so many reasons.
Rebecca's fear of, "But what if his biological parents are awesome?" Is so real. It is so real. It is more than real, to fear that your child may grow up wishing they were with their first family instead of you. But that is a part of every adoption that I know of, that fear or reality or dream. Adoption is messy and beautiful wrapped into one.
When Jack did push ups with Randall on his back? Oh my word I'm tearing up just recounting it.
When Rebecca told Jack repetitively that they need to be enough for little man Randall, her aches and longings are real and valid and I know many adoptive families who feel the same way...but honestly? We aren't enough. She isn't enough. That is the thing: we cannot force ourselves as humans to be enough. As my son's mama, I feel it is my duty to offer him as much of himself as I can; if that means painfully swallowing my fears and desires of wanting to be enough and his only mama, that is what that means.
I watched my boys playing together. Parenting them now is easy when I think of the next 18+ years. Parenting them now is sleepless nights, sweaty, poop explosions, and without logic...but while I bounced our biological baby, our son via adoption crawled over to join the party on my lap and I couldn't help but think, "In his mind, there is absolutely nothing different about he and his brother. For all he knows in his baby brain, I birthed him. For all he knows, my blood runs through him."
But as he grows, his knowledge and understanding will change. He will most likely be faced with painful questions, "Was I unwanted? Am I loved less? Do my parents love my brother more because of DNA? Is this my real family? Why do people ask all the time if I was adopted?"
It hurts.
It hurts my soul. It makes my chest tighten and my blood rush and my eyes teary thinking my sweet little man might ever have those questions. He is my son as equally as my biological son is. The love is the same. It is so unendingly fierce and real.
You guys. If you haven't watched This Is Us, YOU MUST START AT THE BEGINNING AND WATCH EVERY SINGLE EPISODE. It is so real and so good and I wish I could be best friends with the writers. And actors. They are all so good. We don't even own a TV and recently got internet, partially just so we could stream this show. Pathetic but true.
I'm always waiting for the next episode to not be as good as the last, because they are each so perfect. But it never happens - each episode tops the last. Here's to the best show ever and wishing I could hug ever last writer. IT'S TOMORROW.
If you're a watcher of This Is Us, what do you love about it? What has been your favorite part? Has it opened your eyes or educated you on anything regarding transracial adoption?
