As I look out to the unknowns and gaze here at the present, I know for certain that I must let those words write themselves into my heart.
Whatever my lot, thou has taught me to say
it is well
with my soul.
It is well. If I must walk the face of the earth with physical pain all of the days of my life, it is well with my soul. If I must wait years to experience the miracle of pregnancy and a full term baby being delivered to my adrenaline shaking arms as tears flow from my eyes and my husband's...to be humbled by parenting, it is well with my soul. If I never get the utmost honor and privilege of experiencing a life bud and bloom and grow and flourish from within me, a life that was created between husband and wife and God, it is well with my soul. If I am called to live a life that does not belong to me, a life that I am always giving and pouring out, it is well with my soul. As I lose loved ones to death, disease, suicide, addictions...as I hear stories of broken pasts and horrendous presents, co-suffer with those that I love because there is nothing else that I can imagine doing...it is well with my soul.
But it is not just in the bigger things of life that I crave to let this be my anthem...no. It is also in the minute and the small, the quieter and more common areas of my life, that I want my heart to sing these words. While doing the brunt of work, the lowly things that go unnoticed, the humble servant leader type of waking up early and leaving late. Or spending time in a hospital with the dying or sick. Or staying up into the wee hours of the morning praying with a hurting soul that simply needs a friend. While doing the dishes and walking through my messy home and scrubbing the floors on my hands and knees. Waiting for my computer to not ruin my day with its slowness and rainbow ring of fire. Praying for countless lost and wandering souls, sewing for those who go unclothed, and feeding mouths that eat irregularly. While listening to correction, while swallowing my own darn thick pride; whatever my lot, thou has taught me to say...it is well with my soul.
I have decades [possibly, one can never know] of life ahead of me and no idea what will be thrown at me; the possibilities are endless but His steadfast love and strength and safety will be present through it all.
When my truest anthem is His heart, life is so much more joyful and free. I want to make this true of my every day because when it is my life's song, I do not need to walk around and pout, self pitying myself. Believe me, I am preaching to myself here - it seems so much easier to give in to the bitterness, the wishful thinking that this is not the life or journey I have been handed. But in those moments are the moments of prison, the moments of darkness where He is beckoning us to come and join Him in the light of joy, the light of freedom, the light of Christ Himself.
Whatever my lot. No matter what is thrown at this life of mine. I yearn to have the courage, the confidence that only makes sense through His lens, to look to Him and cry out and say, "Because of You, because of your blood that was shed and the freedom you offer us...it is well..it is well with my broken soul and I know that I am covered in grace. I know that you are for me. I know that this life is not about me, and whatever my lot, I must believe that it is for the greater good. Because it is for the greater good, [the biggest picture], it is well with my soul. Whatever my lot, it is to spread your goodness and share your glory and reveal your unfailing love. Whatever my lot, it is well with my soul."