A sleepless night incold Canada.
Tossing and turning I didn't know my brain had such stamina.
Staying awake is not a skill, but my heart inside of me was ready to spill.
Broken for the famous people of this world, the well-known, the "honored." Broken for their lostness my soul needed to be awoken, finally I allowed my words to be spoken.
My heart poured out its deep red wine into the deepest of glasses so divine. The finest of wine glasses in design. "Lord my God where are you?" was my cry. I begged for Him to align my heart with His to define what I should feel. I was angry, I was sad, I was hurt, I felt so confined. Ready to resign, I begged for a new calling, I craved to be taken home. Literally balling, I asked Him to begin hauling His Kingdom to this earth. And then He reminded me the purpose of Jesus' birth.
Pained for my future children, my lost siblings, my students ..living in this world so polluted.
I knew at my surface that good surrounded me throughout the service of loving people, penetrating the world through the goodness being hurled with kindness.
But deep within I felt confused and discouraged. Overburdened. And the He inserted a promise a Psalm, an encouragement bomb allowing the qualm to turn to calm, allowing sleep:
"If your heart is broken, You'll find God right there; If you're kicked in the gut, He'll help you catch your breath." For days the questions loomed in my heart; "How do I lead in an atmosphere so perverted?" "Do I enter the worsened lifestyle that has become the norm? Where is my purpose, O Lord? Must I conform?"
At last I was reminded not to be divided, not to conform to the patterns of this world. I was prompted once again to pursue righteousness without piousness, tirelessly running after our timeless God who keeps His promises. Not to be riotous, but to live with a bold quietness.
His promises will be preserved even when my heart feels unnerved. Though I feel broken, complete I am made in Him, I will not be swerved towards the discreteness of evil, I will continue to chase the completeness of Jesus, to lead people towards His feet with a pure heart, enduring the pain but assured that I am held secure in a very unsure world.
Thank you, Jesus, for this pain. My heart it awakes to seek your reign as I live this life which will not be lived in vain.