"I Know How You Feel."

That phrase seems to discount every aching bone; it makes your pain seem invalid. Even when the words come from a compassionate, loving heart, they don't seem to help the way we want them to.

"I know how you feel."

"I have experienced that."

I have said these words many times. I have apologized after saying these words. Because the truth is, I don't know how you feel. The truth is, I haven't experienced exactly what you're going through.

Your family is dysfunctional and parents divorced? Oh mine too.

You're dating long distance? I got to walk through that too.

Your heart was broken by someone you trusted? Mine has been too.

You've been betrayed? I have as well.

You have some sort of disorder or disease that won't leave your body? A body ache that may be chronic? I can relate.

I can relate but I don't know how your heart breaks. You can relate, but you haven't experienced what I have. As I meet with people to hear their hearts and stories, to encourage and pray with them, I have realized time and time again that I must stop saying, "I know exactly how you feel. I have gone through that." A girl I mentor had her world crush, her foundation of truth shattered. She grew up as an only child and in the church. Her parents slowly became more self-seeking, and about a year ago there was a moral failure, resulting in divorce. Her heart: shattered. And the appeal to harden it is very tempting. Though my story is similar to her story in the sense that both of our parents' marriage ended due to this moral failure, we are completely different individuals. Her parents and my parents are wholly different human beings. Our ages are different, our growing up childhood is different, the way we discovered it is different, the way it's playing out is different...almost every single aspect that deals with the intense emotions of our hearts is different. Therefore, it is impossible for me to know the exact brokenness of her heart, the complete experience she is journeying through. And vice versa. I would dare to say that it is unfair, insensitive, and even unloving to throw that phrase out, to a wounded heart. {Again: preaching to self}. Don't get me wrong: we should definitely be available to one another, definitely co-suffer with compassion. But what my eyes are being opened to is just how prayerful I must be when someone opens their heart to vulnerability..how easily their fragile, battered heart can be stepped on without intending to. How easily I can hurt with good-intended words. And how easily others have hurt me with these same phrases.

My heart in sharing this, is two things:

First, to those who are in the middle of a big, broken mess full of trial and pain...I do not know how you feel, but I do know that you are valid in your pain. I do know that God made us to FEEL, so feel what is real and don't be ashamed! I want you to know that your pain and struggle is very real, and that though no one walking this earth knows the depths of your ache, Jesus does. He knows it more than you do. And because He knows your heart completely, He gets to be your comfort! He gets to hold your heart and wipe your tears and let you sob and carry you through and even bring you joy in the middle of chaos. He knows. He understands. He is with you and He will not leave.

Second, to those who have and will continue to say these phrases, "I understand exactly what you're feeling," {I'm speaking very much & directly to myself here}, can we be very careful about with others' hearts? When others share and let us into the sacred place of their heart, can we be more slow to speak and hold back that dreaded sentence of "I know how you feel, I have experienced this"? Can we remember that that sentence doesn't usually help, but creates a feeling inside the other of invalidation? Not only that, but it puts you in the place where Jesus should be, as the all-understanding-completely knowing Comforter. When I say "I know exactly how you feel," I am stepping into the place where Jesus and only Jesus should be.

I hope to keep growing in this area. I hope to learn that "understanding" is sometimes simply listening, and letting someone pour their broken heart out. Not because they want to hear those words that somehow bring discount, but simply to be heard. Then, I hope to be better at validating them, reminding them that their hurt is real. And encourage them not to hurt others in their hurt; not to sin in their anger. And I hope to be bold in praying with them. Leading them into the presence of Jesus when maybe they don't feel the strength to. Interceding with them, asking Jesus for comfort and closeness and peace. Reminding them that their trial does not define them, but Christ's perfect love does.

Will you join me in cutting this phrase out?