A Few Questions Answered...Mainly A New Boundary

May 11

May 11 A Few Questions Answered...Mainly A New Boundary

It’s only been two and a half weeks since I shared I’m pregnant, but that time has felt exhaustingly long.

Not only is it draining to literally grow, nurture, and build a human within my body…but the negative voices and hateful messages are exhausting.

I am in a vulnerable space. Sharing any part of ourselves, with anyone ever, is vulnerable. Whether in public or in private.

It has been a calling of sorts to share some of the What Would Typically Be Private pieces of my journey + heart over the years.

I hold the hope + carry a conviction of loosing chains of shame for others. The response through my years of sharing is that that is exactly what happens when we choose to shine light in our own hidden corners where shame and pain reside.

There has always been people who throw shade + ignorant, uneducated, hurtful words my way. It’s nonsensical.

When I had 50 blog subscribers and 300 instagram followers, there were people throwing hate and shame my way. Currently I have over 3,000 subscribers and over 8k IG followers, so of course there are people showing up to spit at me. I have friends with many more followers and higher numbers than me, and it is the same — it doesn’t matter who you are, if you are putting yourself out there, this is part of the gig. There always will be, and I’ve worked through this time and time again.

My friend Jasmine Ivy says when people put me (and any other person) down, it reinforces their ego’s sense of self, which is built on specific standards that they themselves struggle to meet. Real.

The majority of response I receive has always been that openness brings others towards healing + understanding themselves a bit more. Which is wholeness. Healing + wholeness. Forever two words and realities I strive for.

Over time I have learned to shake off hate thrown my way + “trolls” who pop into my inbox, on my posts, or in my direct messages.

These are people we label as trolls, but I can’t help but know they are actual people behind screens, screens that make them feel powerful; it’s interesting to me the power people feel behind a screen. Some of them even make fake accounts JUST to throw weird, specific, unnecessary hate. And the energy they spend hating? I mean damn. Take that energy and go to counseling and work through whatever it is you need to work through.

The energy it takes to go to my actual blog posts, read the words (there are always a lot of words), return to an email or my instagram account, and message me nonsense — twisting my own words + vulnerability — is not only immature, but sad. When I give them space in my brain and process all the work they’ve actually gone through to send such specific shade… I kind of pity them.

They must have some unaddressed hurt/anger/trauma needing to spend time directing themselves at me.

I remind myself it speaks more about these people’s character, than mine.

These are the things I’ve worked through over the years, the truth I know about hurtful (hurting) people online — that what the “trolls” have to say reveals more about them than me, that what they say is ignorant and incorrect and not true.

BUT right now as I wade through being pregnant (hi, exhaustion + hormones) while also in a weird, complex, shitty, exhausting limbo with the man who made this baby with me knowing we both have a lot of healing + figuring out to do… the unnecessary negative nancys that keep popping up have reminded me that I get to hold my own power and not feel the need to share too much of myself right now.

Instead of ever responding to any of their nonsensical messages, I ignore and move on, and for right now will hold my heart close to myself.

Hate doesn’t drive out hate…love does.

And this baby? Let it be known that this baby is marks of love, life, and miracles — nothing else. The end.

PS: two years ago TODAY I lost a baby just hours after hearing that little heart beating fast as a promise…so much has happened since May 11, 2018. I would have never imagined this baby in me right now…but what a gift it is in the midst of so much grief.

With that said, I won’t be writing blog posts I expected to write about this journey. Not right now — definitely will later when I am not living in the thick of it.

There are a lot of things to speak to regarding this complicated, complex space I am living in, a lot of women showing up to say “Please keep sharing, I needed to read this.”

The support has been MIND BLOWING. Like wow. Literally thousands of people messaging me their congrats and love and support. Such a picture of how the world is a community.

There have been dozens, if not hundreds, of women reach out to me, saying they have been or are in similar spaces, and feel less alone…more seen…less crazy…more validated…and hopeful for a new way of living life. A way of healing.

That my words and my bit of sharing any of my walk has been a gift to anyone in painful places — well, that’s a gift right back to me. It is exactly what I want my space in the world to hold: healing + hope for others amidst broken hearted, weary, grief-filled journeys.

But right now, I need to sort of cocoon into Jesus, myself, + the very few close friends I feel safe with emotionally, to work towards healing internally and being as present as possible for these three kids of mine. Which means, no more public blog posts.

THAT SAID….

I have an entire google document with sections of questions from people. So many questions.

I will answer a few in short here.

In regards to “baby’s dad:”

Yes, it’s Kevin. Yes we split up in January. No, it hasn’t been a clear, cut and dry, black and white, clean break up. No, it wasn’t because of the baby. We are in limbo, that is the only way I can describe it. We both have some intense emotional work to do, spiritual growing, mental health needs to address — I won’t be speaking to what our relationship is and isn’t, the details of what all has happened, or what our coparenting life will be. I don’t have answers.

I talk with him about what I share, FYI, but don’t need his permission. He says I can share all the details if I wanted to, which wouldn’t be pretty — I am not going to. I have kids, he has kids, WE have a kid. I work to have integrity + care when I craft my words. You can read into whatever you want to read into and twist whatever you want to twist, but really, we are both in dire need of therapy + healing + Jesus.

Birth Plan:

It has gone from planned in-hospital, to calling different birthing centers who won’t take me, to planned in-home (easily my preference, forever, the end) but then learning that my midwife’s licensure now (as of JAN 2020) specifically states they cannot do home births with blood clotting disorders…so sadly, we are back to the hospital.

This is a big bag of raw feelings for more reasons than one.

My plan is to labor at home as long as possible then transfer…shoot I had a dream I went and bought all the tools to just do it all myself, so we will just see what happens (insert a million laughing emojis and winky faces). JK of course.

With COVID, who even knows who is going to be there or if I am wearing a mask…there is just too much BLEH and still two months before the time comes…so we shall see. I don’t at all like feeling optionless about it.

Gender:

You’ll find out sometime in July!

Name + Last name?

Really, really good question. One of mine too.

Do you have a registry?

Heck ya I do, like every other pregnant mom ever. Didn’t expect anyone but family and maaayyybe some friends to even LOOK at the thing, but have been blown away at the way this community has jumped in excited to shower baby with love. Thank you! So fun to experience, and an ongoing blessing I have written about multiple times in Baby’s pregnancy journal. They will know they are SO loved!!

Have you had anxiety with this pregnancy, since you’ve had two miscarriages?

This is another whole entire bag of words. I spoke to it a bit in my previous post.

What are you craving besides Tacos and Yumm Sauce?

LOL. I was asked this by multiple people in the questions box, and SPECIFICALLY referred to those two things. So silly. I didn’t even realize I was craving those things until you all pointed it out! But you’re right, they are all I want.

I also have been eating a TON of eggs with avocado, cilantro, tomatoes, YUMM sauce, in a corn tortilla.

Other than that I am constantly thirsty for ice ice ice water. And watermelon + strawberries + blueberries. Could eat those all day long.

I am currently making fresh juice on the daily, once to twice a day, specifically for water retention. But also because it’s delicious. Watermelon, cucumber, strawberry, celery are my main go-to’s for this. We love adding in all the other fruits + carrots too!

Are you doing shots?

I am! I have been doing a shot of lovenox two times a day since November 16 (was just over four weeks pregnant). I have some bruises along my belly you can see in some of the photos from the injections.

Was this pregnancy planned?

No. Makes it even more a miracle.

Are S + I excited?

THEY ARE SO EXCITED.

Constantly asking if their Baby will like this and that and will the Baby go here with us and there with us and when can the Baby wrestle and does the Baby like the juice we make every day and all the things. It’s so sweet and beautiful and I love my big boys more than anything.

Ira literally says to me all the time, “Mama your baby is beautiful in you. You’re so beautiful.”

HOW IS THIS PREGNANCY DIFFERENT THAN IRA’S?

In every single aspect. It is hard for me to really separate my emotions from my physical experience. So… it is all different. Everything is different. My whole entire life is different. I will say it was similar in the fact that I was throwing up the first 20 weeks + fatigued like someone was giving me nyquil every hour until week 15. Felt this baby at week 16, and Ira around 18, but I think it’s because I knew what to look for. I thought Ira moved a lot…HA! This baby is sooooo active. My whole entire belly seems to be moving and bubbling around alllllll day and all night.